Paphos People

Hi.

Just something that came up today whilst chatting to my friend about some family issues. My Cypriot sister-in-law is having a lot of trouble again with her 2 daughters. One is living upstairs to her house in an apartment, given to her, the other has just landed with her boyfriend from Limassol demanding her mothers house.
She 'told' her a couple of weeks ago that she would be coming to Paphos and her mother would have to go.
My husband has obviously taken on board the 'British' way where we don't give our homes to our daughter but they have to work as he says that any fiance or whoever comes her demanding money or houses will be taken to Akamas and sorted out!!!
As you know we have 3 daughters and I worry that he will give in, give it away and we will have to live like his mother in a pigmy hut and like his sister will do and she is prepared to do this as she was fixing the large chicken hut at the back of the house until the daughter just landed and demanded she got out. Maybe she'll have second thoughts now as there was a big 'scrap' between the daughters and mother.
I want to also tell him that we used to give our parents money if we lived with them when we started working. I once said this to him years ago and he was horrified. The Cypriots don't agree with this way.
A friend of his has recently been complaining to him that both daughters are still at home living in with their boyfriends/fiances and they don't contribute at all.
I don't want to work like a slave only to be giving it away and be left with nothing. Of course I will help out and I'm not mean, my daughters get too much.

Jill.

Jill,

Just explain that due to your kids being half Geordie, they get nowt until they've earnt it as that's what happens in the TOON

You should also say that since Cyprus joined the EU, most of the old traditions should be scrapped & your kids should work hard & make a nice home for you both to move into when you're old & unable to fend for yourselves, as thats what happens in the rest of Europe

The rule in our house was that if you were working full time you had to contribute to your board (part time jobs while at school didn't count) - was only a fairly nominal amount like 50 quid a month or so (canny while back now mind!) but helps establish the principle of paying your way, plus is only fair IMO.

Personally, I nashed off to University when I had just turned 18, so managed to avoid it for the most part, but I was still expected to chip in when living at home and working summer jobs during the holidays, even though I was poor impoverished student!

I had to pay housekeeping when I was living at home and working full time.

Matthew starts work in September and we have told him that we will be looking at 20% of his take home pay as his contribution to the household bills. He did not baulk at this and from talking to other parents this appears to be the going rate.

To justify our decision we pointed out to him what he would have to pay if he were to move out and the fact that he would have all his bills on top, to be fair he was not arguing the point and although I am sure he would rather not pay anything he has not put up any resistance.

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Sarah & Phil

i too had to pay "digs" to my parents when i started working, then when i did my nurse training, although on a bursary i still paid up a share to my parents.
emily will live at home when she starts college in september, as she is a student we will not be asking her to pay board however we have made it very clear that she must get a job to help support herself,also since we have paid for easter flight to cyprus i have said if she want to go back to work for the summer then she must pay her flight herself.

i too agree you have to teach your kids to appreciate the value of money and to learn to become self sufficient!

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Kathryn x

In my opinion children should be made to pay their way if they are working. I had to - alright it was only £3 a week when I first started work but it still left me with £8 to spend. Never seemed to go that far as I was paid monthly and always ended up borrowing from Mum and Dad.

They need to learn that about life and I think if you "molly coddle" them too much then they will come a cropper. I also think they should do their own washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning etc. Both my boys could wash and iron their clothes by the time they were 14. What is the point of Mum's doing everything for them then when they do go out into the big bad world they bring it all back to their mum's to do. I know that because step son told me his mum does his washing and ironing even though he has his own flat. I showed him how to use the washing machine and iron as I refused to do it for him. Shame I can't get Steve to learn as he would just leave it and leave it - I have tried.

I know the Cypriots have their customs but to be put out of your own house by your daughter - NO WAY.

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"Your dog is your friend, your partner, your defender. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true until the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion"

I paid my mother £50 a week when I left school as I had a well paid job as a butcher at 18 yr old, I was eaning £250 in hand a week, so didn't mind, more than I'm earning now mind

Hi.

I started having a chat with my husband yesterday after work and told him about this again and the replies I had just to back me up He said 'don't talk to me about this, I am Cypriot (' Cypriot in a loud growling voice) so I said 'all the more reason to listen to me!'
I reckon he will ask around as we meet many British people of course he'll be wanting to prove me wrong. Thenyou know what will happen? He' ll suggest this as it was all down to him of course that's when I keep my mouth shut!


Jill.

Jill

When i first worked full time i was barely 16 and paid 'keep' to my parents altho my first wage i was allowed to spend/save it all, from then on i paid my way, got a further 2 part time jobs at the age of 18 partied after work (pub jobs) got up for work in mornings rented my own flat ...saved up to go to america for 4 weeks at the age of 20 ..... when dad died tried to help mum out if i could and then after my wee brother dying 7 months later moved back in with her for 6 months ...got a mortgage at 23 ..first flat ...the in between stuff and now im here ....mum is too ....i borrow off my mum but would never dream of living off her....as you say the western way is more like work for what you want and dont depend on others for it....parents worked hard enough for us ...let them enjoy their retirement they earned it!!

A bit hmmmmm for a saturday lunchtime!! ha ha .....next week we must get together for this wine we keep talking about! remember charlotte in scotland so apart from work im free

Hi Jill

It must be very difficult at times when there are two cultures in one household.

I suppose there needs to be a compromise but reading between the lines it sounds like you are the one to compromise.

The issue about having to move out of my home is something I would probably fight tooth and nail against. The few Cypriots families I know are so family orientated that I wonder if they too adopt this custom. Does not seem very family friendly to me.

I feel for you, I really do. Don't really know what the answer is except to continue to discuss and try to put your point across. Although I expect you have been doing that for many years.
You don't appear to be the type to be under the thumb. It sounds like strong, independent women struggle to keep control when married to cypriot men. Or am I making an assumption ?

Good luck Jill

Gilly

Hi Gilly.


You are so right. It is a struggle but I'll never give in, not that I want to be on top I just want to be an equal.
I reckon he'll see where he has gone wrong when our daughters come to tell us that their partners are not treating them as they should. Of course I don't want anything like this to happen to them but they have grown up with this aggrivation so I'm sure it has effected them.
I have also told them that they don't have to get married, they can live life a little before. I was 31 when I met my husband and gave a lot up to come here and I feel angry most of the time but fortunately I have my business to run and I enjoy that even though that was a struggle to combine bringing up 3 daughters almost single handed and working. Now he works with me which is also difficult but his part of the job is out of the shop mine is in so sometimes we never really see each other from morning 'till night and he relies on me for many things but of course that's never acknowledged.
Anyway what can you do, I'm told that there are many women starving in Africa so I should be happy. I suppose like he says I could be with someone who is a gambler and a caberet goer and there are many men like that here, it's second nature to most of them.
I know I paint a rotten picture of him, he has a good side for example, Valentines Day I came home to a very clean kitchen, table set, lovely meal cooked, bottle of wine, teddy bear, flowers. I sat down to eat, everyone fussing (the girls were quite excited) and he said 'okay see you later' and off he went to his brothers house. Can't win! I was left to eat on my own....as usual.
My 50th....I was so excited for the day. He waited until 9.00 p.m to say Happy Birthday when he had arranged for a suprise party and to give me a beautiful gift which I was very grateful but I cried most of the day as all I wanted was two words.

Jill.

Hi Jill

It sounds like you still love him and really only want the pleasure of being in an equal relationship where the other person loves and respects you for who you are.

Why you should be content, not living in Africa starving is beyond me.
Whenever I have read your postings, not just on PP but on CL as well I have always had admiration for what you have achieved - 3 lovely daughters and a successful business.
Each of them on their own would have taken all my energy but you have succeeded in both areas of your life.

Unfortuantley the relationship with your husband has been a disappointment. This happens to a lot of women ( and men for that matter) in the UK as well as abroad. It is not just a difference in culture but maybe a difference in what people can bring to relationships.

You are 50 now and have been in this relationship for 20 years. Do you see yourself there in another 20. Sometimes it helps to reflect back to why you fell in love with someone in the first place. Is he still the same person? Are you the same person?
You have three beautiful daughters together so I imagine that there have been times when you where happy together.

Being married has not been easy for me. I have had to compromise so much but I do believe that the ability to compromise is what makes marriages work better. And also deep friendship.

Gilly