Paphos People

A once in a lifetime experience


Have you got kids? If you have then you can probably relate to this scenario. You are suddenly given charge of an unpredictable little person which you have to try and turn into a well behaved member of society. Training, you have none, other than a few books written by a well meaning do-gooder who probably has no children of their own but have read books or completed a degree in the subject. Well meaning friends and relatives give you lots of tips and advice but nothing can prepare you for the real thing. A miniature person who cannot talk, walk or think for them-selves until you teach them that spark which starts the whole process off.
The moment that they recognise your face, the smile that says ‘feed me’ like baby birds in a nest is a gigantic step forward for you and you can build a relationship on that.
The trust they put in you to guide them through life is immeasurable and good natured teasing is a way of educating children in life to most parents. You try and teach them how to behave, to tell you when they want to use the potty. As soon as they have mastered that you tell them to use the toilet! It must be very confusing for them and frustrating as you have to clean up the ‘mishaps’ in the bathroom.
But you carry on urging them to grow up, probably before they are ready. When my eldest son was about four, we went camping. Trying to instil some team spirit into him I named him the man in charge of the rubbish disposal. This simply meant that he had to take the plastic bag up to the bin. All went well the first few times, then he came back screaming in floods of tears, it seems that he had been stung by a wasp!
After treatment I sat down with him and built his confidence back up. When the next rubbish bag had to go, he very unwillingly went to the bin. His Dad had assured him that the wasps would not sting him again. Back he came screaming in floods of tears again with another sting. He looked at me with a disgusted expression and didn’t trust me again for a very long time!

Then of course there are the blatant lies, the ice-cream man only sounds the chimes when he has run out of ice cream! That was a favourite one.
In an effort to stop our son from sucking his thumb, his mother told him that he would blow up like a big balloon. He stopped sucking it but when going to the doctor’s surgery there was a lady there who was in the advanced stage of pregnancy.
“Ooh I know what you’ve been doing” he said.

Then the biggest lie of all FATHER CHRISTMAS!

You tell them not to take sweets or presents off strangers, never get into anybodies car, etc, and to tell Mum or Dad if any of these things happen. Then you tell them that on Christmas Eve and fat old man with a long beard is going to climb down the chimney, drink the glass of sherry and eat the mince pie that you have left in the hearth, then come to your bedroom and give you presents!
Suitably terrified they are put to bed and told to go to sleep or he won’t come. They lie awake waiting for the old man, and then of course Dad dressed up in a Santa Suit comes into the bedroom with a sack of toys. The child cringes under the duvet pretending to be asleep out of fear for his safety from an old man smelling of drink with cake crumbs in his beard. He is glad when the morning comes and he gets his toys as a reward.
It’s character building stuff and in a couple of years you will tell him that there is no such thing as Santa Claus and not to be so childish!
What’s the child supposed to make of that? His parents are pathological liars and cheats and they expect reverence and love from their offspring.

Through their early life there are many traumatic experiences to face like the Doctor or the Dentist! You tell them it won’t hurt which they hadn’t even thought about until you brought the subject up. Of course it does hurt - another lie.

Then of course there is school, we took our eldest for a ‘trial’ morning to see if he would like it. We picked him up at midday all had gone well. Eventually in a few weeks he started full time. We dropped him off in the morning at nine o clock and his mum was waiting at three o clock. A most indignant little boy came stomping through the gate.
“Where have you been? You left me here all day. They had to give me my dinner and everything!”
Walking home he was complaining of being tired out, so the next day a pushchair was taken to the school. That only lasted a couple of days until the other kids started to take the mickey out of him.
We had to go and see him perform in the Nativity Play, as the Innkeeper, applauding loudly as he said the immortal line ‘There is no room at the Inn’.
Helping him with school and homework was a job for Dad but things had changed since I was at school and I was told that I was wrong and didn’t know anything.

So having steered him through his formative years with various lies deception and trickery, we presented the world with a brand new TEENAGER!