Paphos People

NED the drinker

Ned was always in the pub. Every evening at seven thirty, after his dinner he would walk into the bar expecting his pint to be poured and waiting for him and because Martin was a good landlord, it always was. He took part in all the activities, darts, skittles, shove ha’penny, pool he did it all. Not that he was any good at any of them but it was his way of life.
Ned had never married, but he had a steady job, a small house big enough for him and him alone. It was within walking distance of work, the supermarket and most importantly his local pub. He didn’t run a car so no expenses for that - in fact a perfect existence for him.
‘Whitworths” the local brewery which owned the pub produced many specialty beers and Ned’s favourite was ‘four star bitter’ when the pub teams had an away game at a pub that didn’t have ‘four star’ Ned would leave the match early to get back to ‘his’ pub and his favourite beer, waiting until the rest of the team got back to see if they had won or lost.
On his way back home one night his route took him along a pathway behind Whitworths brewery building. As he reached the fire exit door he noticed that it wasn’t properly closed. Stopping he tried the handle. It came open, Ned peered in, nobody about, he went in. The almost overpowering smell of beer was captivating and he went on a ‘tour’ of the brewery as only an intoxicated man could. There were huge vats of all the different types of mild, bitter and lager he stopped at the vat labeled ‘four star’. Climbing the ladder to the top he looked at thousands of pints of his own personal nectar. Reaching as far as he could he tried to scoop a handful out but he couldn’t quite reach. Maybe if he leaned over the side of the vat he could…….. Splash! In he went, splashing about swallowing as much as he could.
The next morning as the workforce came in a shout went up.
“Quick lads somebody’s fallen in the vat of four star.”
There he was floating face down in four star best bitter.
They manhandled Ned out of the vat but unfortunately he was literally dead drunk. The ambulance was called but the works doctor pronounced him dead!
That night in the pub a representative from the brewery came in to break the sad news. They all listened in silence as he related the turn of events that had led to Ned’s demise.
“What a terrible way to go” said Martin “Drowned in his favourite beer.”
“ Oh I don’t think he suffered” said the brewery man “When we ran the CCTV tape we saw that he got out twice to go to the toilet!”