Paphos People

THE LUMP OF STEAK AND THE HAMMER

Jim had been celebrating, his yankee bet on the afternoon meeting at Worcester racecourse had come up trumps, then he had put the lot on an outsider at twenty to one and that came in as well, netting him a total of twelve thousand odd quid. He was in the bar, buying everybody a drink and having a whale of a time.
His phone rang, well it didn’t ring, instead it gave out a message ‘Look out it’s the Wife!’ over and over again until Jim answered it.
“Hello my love......... yes the meetings finished.......... I’m just having a drink with some mates and I’ll be home”
A cheer went up, cries of ‘under the thumb’ and ‘go home to wifey then’ rang out around the bar.

“I’ll go home when I’m ready, now who wants another drink?”

After quite a while, Jim’s phone gave out the message ‘Look out it’s the Wife’ again. Jim answered again.
“Hello my love, yes I know.. Yes, Yes, I will I will I promise”

Another cheer went up, ‘Home you go Jim lad she who must be obeyed has spoken’

Jim stood up as upright as he could but swaying about all over the place he gestured for silence.
“I’m the bosh in my house, I’ll show you who’sh under the thumb I’ll text her now and this is what I’ll say. Now you lishen here my wench, I’ll come home when I’m ready and if there isn’t a nice big lump of shteak waiting for me you’ll get a right long hammerin’ you got that? Good”
He sent the massage to his wife, then turning his phone off he addressed his drinking mates.

“Right who wantsh another drink then?” Empty glasses were thrust forward eagerly and the party went on and on and on!

Eventually at about half past midnight a taxi pulled up at Jim’s house.
“Cheeeers matey have sheveral drinksh on me.” He thrust a twenty pound note into the window a hand grabbed it and the taxi was gone.

The house was in darkness, Jim stood there swaying on the garden path searching for his keys, finally giving up, he rang the doorbell nonstop until the bedroom light came on. He stood by the door as it was unlocked and slowly opened. Falling through it he landed in a heap in the hallway.

“You drunken slob, what time do you call this? I’ve been waiting since eight o clock for you to come home”
“Shurrup woman, where’s my dinner? I’m starving I want what I told you to get me and I want it now!”

“It’s on the kitchen table exactly what you said what you wanted”
With that she turned and went upstairs to bed slamming the bedroom door behind her.

Stumbling to his feet and lurching towards the kitchen Jim opened the door and this is what he saw:

A lump hammer and a long wooden stake!